


I miss you. And I love you.

by Ayakox



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, SMS, messages, texts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-12-13 00:41:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11748537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayakox/pseuds/Ayakox
Summary: Alec and Magnus broke up and Alec is trying to handle this.He's trying to accept this end but that's not that easy.Struggling and fighting against the desire to knock at his door, Alec texts him whenever he thinks of him.





	1. Day one: the night after the end.

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a real fan fiction.  
> It is more a sort of collection of texts. Chapters are really short and there's not a real description of characters. 
> 
> I just want to write what Alec could say to Magnus in this situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Day 1 – 03:52 am**

 

"I know I'm not supposed to text you and I know it's really late but I can't sleep because I wanted to hear you... It's not possible, I'm aware of that. I know you won't call me or answer to my calls but I would really like to hear your voice. I should have recorded you when I had the chance. I should have recorded your laugh or your good mornings or your good nights. So many things I should have done and that I didn't, I realize that just now that I lost you. I feel such an idiot..."

 

 

**Day 1 – 04:18 am**

 

“Sorry. I shouldn't have sent it to you. Even if it's true. Every single word. But it doesn't matter, does it? I don't know... I don't know how we got this far. It still seems impossible to me. I will always be here if you want to talk or if you just need something. I will be here. For you. I miss you. And I love you. Goodnight.”

 

 

 

 

 


	2. It's me, Magnus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus broke up and Alec is trying to handle this.  
> He's trying to accept this end but that's not that easy.
> 
> Struggling and fighting against the desire to knock at his door, Alec texts him whenever he thinks of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably Alec spent the 2nd day trying to get in touch with Magnus.  
> In my mind he's gone to his house, trying to see him and he tried to call him a lot of times.
> 
>  
> 
> It hurts so much to imagine Alec struggling so hard ç_ç !

 

 

 

 

 

**Day 3 – 05:07 pm**

 

"Won't you ever gonna speak to me again? We're gonna be like this? Me, knocking at your door, and you ignoring me? Me, calling you, and you not answering? Is this for real, Magnus?"

 

**Day 3 - 05:09 pm**

 

"You can't just shut me out like this. That's not fair. This is... insane. I know we broke up but this is far beyond that. It's like you're denying my entire existence. It's like I'm dead for you. Is that what you think? What you feel? I can't just believe that. That is over like this. I know it is scary, I know it hurts, but you can't just ignore me like that. It's me, Magnus... Alexander. It's me. Does this still mean anything for you?"

 

**Day 3 - 05: 21 pm**

 

"I won't give up. I will wait. I won't forget you. I won't let you go just because of this."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, again.  
> Another chapter, another struggle.  
> I wonder how can Magnus ignore him ç_ç
> 
>  
> 
> Hope I succeeded in showing Alec's heartbreaking >w<
> 
>  
> 
> As always, if you liked it or if you have any advice or prompts, leave a comment and let me know what you think ♥


	3. I hate you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus broke up and Alec is trying to handle this.  
> He's trying to accept this end but that's not that easy.
> 
> Struggling and fighting against the desire to knock at his door, Alec texts him whenever he thinks of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec found out -thanks to Luke- that New York is surrounded by a magical barrier -cast from warlocks- capable of killing any Nephilim who goes through it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Day 4 – 10:03 pm**

 

"I can't believe it. Did you have any intention of telling me about your barrier? That could have killed any of us. Izzy, Jace, Clary, my parents. Me. Don't you care? IT MEANS NOTHING TO YOU?! We could have died today! We are on mission, we are trying to save ALL OF YOU, and you didn't even think to tell me about a magical barrier capable of kill any Nephilim who goes through?"

 

**Day 4 - 10:04 pm**

 

"I can't believe it. Do you hate me now? You said you loved me. You said you had some difficult decision to make to save your kind but it seems to me you're trying to hurting me back for that damned Sword thing. You know what? I never meant to hurt you. I've never hidden something that could hurt you. All I did I did it to protect you and now you're trying to hurt me."

 

**Day 4 - 10:05 pm**

 

 "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate not having you around, I hate remembering all our journeys, all our moments. I hate sleep alone in a bed I don't feel mine anymore. I hate waking up in the morning without my face full of glitters. I hate missing you so much. I hate loving you so much... Because even when I'm angry as I am now, I can't help but wanting to hug you and believe that everything is going to be fine. I hate this... All of this."

 

 

 

 

 

**Day 5 - 01:18 am**

 

"I miss you.

I want you back.

I want you...

Please... Please, come back to me. I can't keep going without you... I can't... "

 

**Day 5 - 01:19 am**

 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've said earlier... and I'm sorry for being so pathetic. I'm sorry. I love you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda followed "dnl" prompt writing this "chapter".  
> I like to think that Alec is drunk while he's texting Magnus and that's why his mood changes so abruptly. :))
> 
> Hope you appreciated this new episode of this ff ~
> 
>  
> 
> If you've liked it or if you have some other prompts for some texts, please, leave a comment! ♥


	4. Drafts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus broke up and Alec is trying to handle this.  
> He's trying to accept this end but that's not that easy.
> 
> Struggling and fighting against the desire to knock at his door, Alec texts him whenever he thinks of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An extra chapter for you!  
> Magnus is typing a lot of texts for Alec but he can't send them so he just save them into his "Draft file" :((

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Draft 001 - Unsent**

 

"Breaking up with you has been the most difficult thing I've ever done. I think this has been the first time ever, to me. I always lose people. They always go. They die, they leave, they just get tired or hurt by an immortal, immutable boyfriend. I've never left someone before you. Exept for Camille but, well, is it 'leaving' when your lover is not with you for several months? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't care, actually. I've always thought that I'd have never left the right person once I'd found her, you know? I've always thought I'd have fought till death to protect that kind of relationship. I'm a romantic, I have always been. I've always dreamt of true love. And now that I actually found it... I left it. I left you. It hurts, Alexander. It hurts so much I can't breath. I can't sleep neither. Everytime I go to bed -our bed- I remember all our nights. I remember the warmth of your chest under my cheek, I remember the way you were used to stroke my hair after having sex. This distance is killing me from the inside. The stifness I have to show when you're in front of me hurts me too. I see how much it hurts you. I can see the pain in your eyes. Pain I'm causing. And I feel dying everytime. I would like to hug you and say how much I love you. I would like to kiss you to breath again and say how much I'm sorry for everything we've going through. But I can't. I can't Alexander. I'm sorry."

 

 

**Draft 002 - Unsent**

 

"Stop it Alexander. Please, stop. You can't even imagine how I feel ignoring you. You can't imagine how much it hurts to read your messages. I've never felt this way, Alexander. No one, no one in my long long existence ever treated me like this. No one ever cared for me like you are. I feel incommensurably happy and unspeakably broken. I've desired this all my life and now I have to ignore all of this. This is killing me day by day. So please... please stop. I can't read your texts anymore but I can't ignore them either. "

 

 

**Draft 003 - Unsent**

 

"Are you serious? I've just asked you to stop it and now you're texting me that you won't let me go? God, Alexander. What should I do with you? It seems like you can read my mind. It seems like you knew what I was thinking and you replied to me with that message. Sometimes I think you should just forget me. That everything would be better if you just could stop loving me. But then I realize how much I love you and I know I could not bear to be ignored by you. What an hypocrital, uh?"

 

 

**Draft 004 - Unsent**

 

"I hate this too, Alexander. I'm so tired... I don't even know what I really want to say, you know? I'm here, writing those stupid texts I will never send and I don't know what I'm writing. Because I'm sick of this situation, I'm sick of being away from you, I'm sick of this stupid war. Sick to be the one in charge for the safety of my own kind. I'd just like to lay down and sleep. I'd like to stop sometimes and just drink like I'm doing right now. But if I would do something like that, how could my people survive? How could I fail them right now? They need help from someone who truly care for them and I know that no one care for them like I do. So it has to be me. Because I am a silly, old warlock and I'm tired of losing friends, lovers and brothers. I'm tired, Alexander. I'm so tired. And ignoring you is the thing that exhausts me the most. "

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was wondering... what if Alec should find all of those messages?  
> What if Alec should find Magnus' phone and read all of this?
> 
> Would you like to read what might happen then? :)) Let me know!
> 
> If you've liked it or if you have some prompts for some texts, please, leave a comment! ♥


	5. For good.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec broke up.  
> Magnus shut him off from his life for days ignoring him and all his attempts to reaching him.
> 
> The end of the war, though, bring the two of them back together after a brief chat outside the Hunter's Moon.  
> Alec, nevertheless, still feels hurt and unsure and he needs something more than Magnus' words to be sure that the two of them are really back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for the huge delay!  
> I've been through a really hard time lately and I could not write.  
> Furthermore the end of the season made me incapable of think the two of them as separated entities so I had no ideas for other messages now that they're back together.
> 
> So I decided to just end this brief story with this last chapter.  
> I apologize for the mistakes you will surely find but I haven't written in English since the last chapter I've posted here weeks ago. I truly hope you will still enjoy your reading :))

 

 

 

Alec could not believe it really happened.

 

For days he felt dizzy and sad and destroyed just because Magnus was basically disappeared from his life. He was distant and cold and sassy in a way he had never been before. Not to him, at least. It had been deeply painful to handle. Several times he thought he could not handle it at all, actually, but he couldn't give up because on his shoulders there was a huge responsibility. He was the Head of the New York Shadowhunters Institute and in his hands was the power to stop Valentine and his crazy plan to kill every Downworlder on this world.

 

 

Now everything had changed.

 

 

Valentine was dead -which was so incredible he couldn't believe it was true yet-, the Angel had been raised but his wish didn't involved any Downworlder who, at the moment, were all safe. Most of all Magnus came back to him. He was walking at his side, his hand wrapped around his waists and a peaceful gaze on his face. He looked to be so quiet, so chilled as anything bad did ever happened to them.

 

 

Alec was truly and deeply happy but... something still hurt in his stomach.

 

 

The two of them barely talked during the walk toward home; silence fell between the two of them, the taste of that last kiss still burning on their lips. How much did they miss that feeling? The warmth of each other breath on their skin, of each other body under their fingers? And now they were back, together again, but something was weird between them.

 

 

The loft was as he'd always seen it. Fresh breeze was coming from the balcony and the same usual stuff was where he saw it for the last time days ago. It was so weird think at that time like days... in his heart it was like years were passed.

 

 

"Home..." he whispered standing still in the middle of the room.

 

 

Magnus' lips curled up as he heard those words and he reached for Alec pressing his left hand around his waists, gently.

 

 

"It didn't feel like home when you were no longer around" the warlock admitted in a low voice, softly, as he was trying to reassure the Shadowhunter. He was pretty nervous, he could tell just by hearing his voice, by looking his tense gaze.

 

 

Alec turned his head around, toward Magnus, clutching his jaw.

 

 

"I've lost my home when I lost you." he said looking right into his eyes, seriously, turining his body to face the other one. "You're my home, Magnus."

 

 

The warlock just parted his lips in surprise, a sort of heat rushing through his veins.

 

 

Alec's straightforwardness still could surprise him. Especially because he never felt like this in his entire life. Like he was someone else's priority, the reason of someone else's smile. He never felt so special before.

 

 

Magnus smiled back at him rising his hands up to cup Alec's face. His thumbs were robbing his cheeks softly, slowly, feeling his warm skin under his fingertips.

 

 

"I'm sorry for what happened. For that decision. But I really thought it was necessary"

 

 

Alec nodded lowering his gaze. He knew. He knew Magnus didn't want to hurt him. He knew he did it just because he wanted to protect his people. He wanted to do the right thing exactly like he wanted to do it himself when he didn't tell him about the Soul Sword. Keeping a secret from the love of his life had been the most difficult thing he'd ever done...

 

 

"I know" he murmured, swallowing, inhaling deeply. "It's just... You got rid of me so easily. You erased me from your life in a blink of an eye. From one day to another, just like this..." his voice trailed off, his hands were tightening their grip along his sides into two fists. "I know you thought it was necessary, you were doing it for a greater good, but... I don't really think I could have ever done it. Ignoring you like this, stopping answering at every call, every text. Almost shutting the door off in your face without even listen to what you had to say..."

 

 

Magnus felt his heart cracking.

 

 

He could understand his fear, his pain. He knew he had been mean and cold and cruel to him. Yeah, he was angry and he had all the reasons in that world to be. But it was understandable if Alec could have doubt his feelings after such a behavior...

 

 

"Alexander" Magnus' voice was low, warm, as if he was talking to a scared child. As if a louder tone could led the other to run away. "Easily is definetly not the word I'd use to describe how it has been to shut you out of my life"

 

 

Magnus' hands ran down long his body, his sides, to reach his hands; he tried to reach his fingers, to open them up and intertwine their hands together. Alec's grip loosened and his gaze rose to look Magnus'.

 

 

"I could not sleep. I could not eat. I could not work without thinking of you. Every moment, every second, my mind was back to our moments, our past trips." he admitted, tenderly, smiling bitterly. "I've faced my days by drinking and working all the time to keep my mind busy. I was trying to have no time to think of you and still that was not even enough. Everything spoke of you within this walls. This is our house, Alexander." he added in a soft whisper.

 

 

Alec felt a strange heat melting his whole heart. Warm tears were burning his eyes but he struggled to not let them pour down.

 

 

"But... the wards... You didn't warn me. I could have... We could have died" Alec said, sadly, shakingly.

 

 

Magnus scoffed, sweetly, shaking his head. "My silly angel..." he murmured rubbing his right thumb over his hand's back. "Who do you think asked Luke to warn you?"

 

 

Alec gasped, surprised. "Oh."

 

 

"I know I've hurt you. I know how difficult it must have been for you. You're so young... and your feelings are pure and honest and new. You're learning how to handle them, how to live them and respect them. And me" Magnus said moisturing his own lips. "I know that. I've been through it myself a long time ago. But I've learned how to suffer silently. How to hide my feelings and my pain to focus on something else, to not let anyone else worry about me. This is why you thought it has been easy for me. Because I've already done it. I've already managed this pain a lot of times in the past." His eyes were full of a dark shade. Shadows and memories were dancing in his irises and Alec could sense his tiredness, his sadness, despite of the smile he was trying to hold on his mouth.

 

 

"I've learned how to hide it, not to not feel it." the warlock said, bitterly, tilting his head. His right hand ran to Alec's face, his palm pressed against his cheek, trying to touch him where he could, to feel him under his fingers, under his skin. "It has been painful. I've missed you. Every moment. More than I've ever missed anyone else in my whole life."

 

 

Alec's heart was full of different emotions; happiness and pain mixed up in one only thing, a new feeling he could not define. He was happy to know that Magnus missed him, but he was -at the same time- very worried for him. He could not bear to know he suffered even though it all depended on his own decision. He didn't know what to say. The shadowhunter still felt unsure and scared. He did trust Magnus, he didn't think he was lying to him. But still he knew he could have not beared all of that another time.

 

 

Magnus sighed, swallowing, as Alec stayed quiet. "Maybe it is hard to believe my words right now... But, perhaps, you can trust this" he said, after a while, taking his phone off his pocket.

 

 

He turned it on and then he went to his mail box. He went over the incoming texts, the sent ones and the deleted ones to reach his drafts.

 

 

Magnus stretched his phone to Alec, smiling softly.

 

 

The Shadowhunter looked at him, taking the device without even looking at it.

 

 

"Read them." Magnus said.

 

 

There were several unsent messages in that box. Alec read the first one and his eyes widened when he understood who the receiver of the text was. Of the text _s_ was. Him. Always him. Those were the answers to his messages. Magnus replied at every his text on his phone without sending them.

 

 

His heart stopped in his chest. A thousand blades were going through it spilling blood within his body. Every word was a mortal wound and at the same time a breath of life.

 

 

Alec rose his head up to meet Magnus' eyes.

 

 

He tossed the phone on the couch behind him and stretched his hands on the warlock's face to cup it. His lips pressed against the other one's ones, his tears burining behind his eyelids, his heart racing in his chest, so fast he thought it was about to burst. Magnus parted his lips surprised but he didn't recoil. He gladly received that kiss, kissing him in turn.

 

 

Their hands ran all over their bodies, rushing, without stop moving for a second. They reached their faces, their shouldes, their chests, their hips, their backs. They felt the urge to feel each other body under their fingers, their heart beating fast against their clothes. There was rush in that kiss and urgency and need. No tenderness, no sweetness. Just the wild need to chain their hearts together one more time.

 

 

The sound of their gasps filled up the loft in a few seconds. Their moans mixed up with the dull noise of the traffic from below. The fresh breath of breeze coming from the balcony made them shiver when it touched their heat skin.

 

 

"Don't... don't do that ever again" Alec said, gasping, without leaving Magnus' lips. "Don't shut me off from your life." he added, firmer, breaking that kiss to look right into his eyes.

 

 

Magnus was gasping, his heart was hammering against his rib cage and his lungs were burning trying to catch some air. His lips were swollen, wet and his hands wanted to touch him more. Much more. "I won't." he promised looking back at him. "Never ever again."

 

 

"I love you. I love you so much" Alec wailed, feeling his tears about to pour down. "I need you so much" he whispered reaching his lips for a kiss and then another one and another after that.

 

 

Magnus kissed him back every time leaning forward his head to meet his lips.

 

 

"I'm here. I will always be." he tried to reassure him as their hands run to Alec's shirt to take it off. The cloth was thrown away, reached by Magnus'one immediatly after.

 

 

The two of them looked at each other eyes in silence and somehow they knew they were exchanging a promise in that exact moment. A silent, real, fundamental promise.

 

 

No more lies.

No more running.

No more secrets.

No more partings.

Never again.

 

 

They stood still for a few seconds, gasping and staring at each other, until Alec stretched his hand to touch Magnus' left cheekbone.

 

 

"Show me. Show me your eyes" the shadowhunter said looking right into them.

 

 

Magnus parted his lips, he knew what the other one meant to say. Something he still wasn't used to. Something important which meant the world to him. A sign of his love, of his honesty. Alec accepted him for the person he was in his entirety. Demonic parts included.

 

 

His irises changed. The brown shade suddenly faded away leaving after it a total different color. Golden drops with some green shadows all around, a thin and narrow black pupil, cat-like.

 

 

Alec smiled and all the tension he felt until that moment just faded away.

 

 

He reached for his lips once again, but this time there was no rush, no rudeness. No urgency. There was kindness and sweetness and the softness of a caring lover. He kissed him softly, tenderly, tasting his lips slowly, stroking his cheeks with his own hands. He wanted to remember that moment forever.

 

 

Magnus knew, in that moment, that everything was fine.

 

 

The shards of his heart suddenly came back together, his life was complete once again.

 

 

Alec gave him fresh air. He allowed him to breath again.

 

 

And from that moment on, they knew, no threat, no danger, no one would have ever been able to part the two of them.

 

 

They were back for good.

 

 

They were back to stay.

 

 

They were back to be whole again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is it!  
> I'll admit I'm very sorry this is the end! 
> 
> I've enjoyed writing this fic and I've been soooo happy to read all your beautiful and kind comments!  
> But everything needs an ending in the end and so does this fic.
> 
> I really hope you've liked the way I've decided to end this, with no texts but with a real, normal chapter: I thought that was the best way to do it.
> 
>  
> 
> Let me know what do you think with a comment and thank you, all of you, for reading all those short and silly chapters with me ♥ ♥

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaand, that's it.  
> I will update whenever I will think of some text Alec could send to Magnus. I know it is a strange idea, that it is not a real story to read, but I really hope someone could find it interesting ^_^
> 
> If you've liked it or if you have some prompts for some texts, please, leave a comment! ♥


End file.
